After 9 months my film’s wrap was in sight. Just a couple of final set up’s and I’d be out of Trish’s hair. Filming had gone well, so I saw no reason why this should be any different!
It was Trish’s birthday – an excellent opportunity to get her friends on film. We needed a big birthday cake of course … and Trish being Trish wanted a massive … Penis cake! Where the hell was I to get a sponge cake in the shape of a penis? I tracked down a couple of local bakers. “Hello, I’m Steve Rogers, I’m the director of a film called ‘Witness My Journey’ and I’d like you to bake me a 2ft sponge cake in the shape of an upright penis. “You want me to bake you an erected penis?” “Yes, please.” Needless to say the first baker hung up on me, but the second, clearly having a far better sense of humour, rose to the challenge. No pun intended!
The cake was delivered to my home and frankly, was outstanding. It was truly a work of ‘icing’ artistry.
From here, things went downhill. The taxi journey to the venue was without question one of the most stressful I have ever encountered. I couldn’t blame the taxi driver as he executed every manoeuvre with perfection. None of this care however was enough to prevent my penis cake from melting and thus drooping to one side. Peeping through the top of the box revealed a cake more akin to the Leaning Tower of Pisa than an upright penis! Leaning we could deal with but then … plop! “Oh no, please no,” I could feel one entire side of the cake had collapsed against the side of the cardboard box. This was not a good sign.
We arrived at the venue, heart pumping. My wife and I carefully carried the partially-collapsing penis into the foyer where we were immediately met by Trish’s husband, Johnny. Now Johnny is one of those cool, calm and collected types, but he immediately detected something was not as it should be. “It’s the cake, it’s collapsing.” Johnny, a builder by trade, takes one look at the penis, “we need to underpin it.” Johnny sets off for anything he could use to stabilize the cake, whilst my wife went to buy some icing-mix. 
In times like these you don’t need a smart-arse, but there’s always one, and a friend suggested he had the answer “a couple of dozen Viagra tablets should do the trick! Yes, thank you Tim.
Unfortunately we couldn’t save the penis cake, the damage was too grave, even for Johnny’s building skills!
Thankfully, DP Mark had remained focused on the job in hand and was set up ready to shoot the ‘nurse act’ performed by the very talented and stunning Ms. Tessa Williams.
Now this act involved copious amounts of Ribena, better than fake blood apparently, so a large plastic sheet was placed on the floor to protect the carpet. My wife who was trying to keep guests from scuffing up the plastic sheet began to enjoy a round of applause, clearly being mistaken for the act. But where was Tessa? With a cleared performance area, my wife ran off in search, finding her back stage “you’re on, everyone’s waiting for you” “but where’s my prosthetic hand?” “You have a prosthetic hand and you’ve lost it?” “Yes, I can’t go on stage without my hand.” No, of course not, thought my wife, whilst trying to see in the dark corridor what a handless arm actually looked like. But then she noticed, Tessa had two arms and two hands! “No, it’s a prop hand … I’ve lost my prop hand.” “Can’t you improvise?” asked my wife. “No, it’s part of the act.” So, imagine there’s my wife, running around, asking everyone if they happen to have come across a spare hand? This missing hand was finally located on the back shelf of the bar.
The act was amazing. Check out the opening scenes of my film, this was the only bit I could get away with. Wanted to keep this PG!